Last month was 3 years ago...since we chose and signed with our agency!
This month is 30 months ago...we were officially put into the books!
I sincerely feel empty, a huge loss of words and yet an even greater sense of the patience I do not have! We started this year off with confidence and hopefulness and just could not wait to see what this year was going to bring us! It has sadly brought us more of the same. Waiting. More Waiting. Waiting. Last week, I wanted to pull the plug on this when our contract ended. This week, I want to hold on to the fact that we KNOW this is our path. Ask me next week and I probably will feel a completely different way. Our emotions are not supposed to be this up and down! This was not part of the contract! However, we were warned by the agency that this would be long and hard and it has been 100000000000 times longer and harder than probably they expected.
Why haven't we been chosen? It is the question we ask ourselves over and over again. Are we not cute enough? Did they not feel the love we have for one another through our profile? Did something we wrote come off bad? Am I too short, is he too tall, is it because we are from New York or have the most adorable pup ever? What is it? Will we be chosen or will it be a situation that the agency chooses us? Will that feel less special to us? .... we have no answers to any of these questions. We only have someone pushing us to get past each day, as we ache into the core of our soul just to love someone else.
Adoption is torture. Eep! Did I just say that? In many ways, it is - All the way around the triad. Why would someone choose to even to adopt, knowing all of this suffering they will have to endure?
Adoption is love. The purest kind of love, the gut wrenching, non-stopping, completely vulnerable and raw. All the way around the triad...is this kind of love. Why wouldn't everyone want to be part of this?
To be honest, as confusing as that all sounded to you reading it - it made perfect sense to me. We are scared, we have surrendered to all of this, we have been stripped of all our emotions as nothing we feel will even matter in this. No crying will make this go faster, no anger fit will make us a parent (good thing we aren't angry people!), No loving words, no happy thoughts and with all the love we have - THAT in itself has not made this go faster. Not even all of the wonderful people who have wished us well thoughts has changed the speed of this. While it didn't change the speed, it changed us.
We have learned to made it through the tough moments, when I just wanted to kick and scream at what seems like a never ending process, my husband has just held me instead. I have been the person to listen to him when he gets his moments of feeling completely hopeless. He has been there as I cried in the car after meeting someone in the store for the 4th time in 3 years and says "Stillllllllllllllllll no baby?". I have been there the countless times he has assembled every single piece of furniture for the nursery. He has been there when I just had to go into the baby section of every store, just to add "one more" item for the baby, understanding completely why I needed it to keep my hope churning! I have been there, as he has nested, hoping his good feelings were going to lead to a match - only to be disappointed. He has been there for me, as I write every month and break down shortly after. Blogging has been one of the hardest things for me. As cathartic as it is, it's truly a double edged sword. It is a moment where I have to dive deep into myself and allow my heart to write these words to you - only to leave the wound open for a few days after. Let alone, looking for the next months number for the blog!
I will leave it here again, that it is with hope - soon will be our time!
<3