- I wanted to start off this year a bit more wordy than the past two months - so please excuse the long post!
At the end of the year, I had these moments where everything in the house was quiet, lighting dimmed as the Christmas tree twinkled brightly in the background. I laid on our window seat and starred at the starry sky. I couldn't quite remember the "Star light...star bright" poem at that moment to wish on the star that caught my eye but instead as I looked past the bright star into the dark - I had this moment.
This journey has truly felt like an entire year each month! So according to our count - 27 months - err, years we have been waiting! Possibly that is the truth because we both always wanted to be parents!
I truly look back on some of my blogs and some of my scribbles I write down each month/day, to just check into what I was feeling last year on this exact day - so I will let you in on my personal scribble board!
January 2016 - "Note to self: Take the time to fill my soul with love, so once we meet our child, we can be so overloaded with love to share"
January 2015 - "We weren't chosen today, while it is sad for us - we cannot dwell in it as it was not meant to be for us.... the baby will have an amazing family. It is bittersweet but one step closer to our match"
January 2014 - "Today was rough, I was emotional and over tired but so thankful to look to my right and see my loving husband. While I am nervous as we await becoming officially "in waiting" but I believe I will feel better once we are there. I can handle it"
What a journey it has been..and as I look back, I realize that...we are so overloaded with love, it could happen soon :D ...and we were not chosen today, yet..and I am still emotional and over tired and thankful and lastly, I have not been able to handle it!
I often try to explain the feeling of waiting to everyone. I finally found the best way that most can understand "We are waiting to win the lottery, we have the right numbers and know eventually it will come out...it can happen any day - how would you take waiting for that?" and often it is met with "OH!! YES!!, I don't know how you do it", or "soon!".
Can I lovingly shake everyone who has told us soon? See the thing is...everyone has been saying this for 3 years now and it hasn't been soon lol. It has been complete emotional torture every single day, while hanging onto a thread of hope - hoping it won't break in one of our breakdowns or disappointments. I have that thread and we are both hanging onto it for life until we meet our child. Now...this is where I become a hypocrite - "Jill & Phil, it is going to be soon!" ;) Well..I tell myself that every single day but it has to be! We are one of the longest waiting families..and while there is no known reason as to why...I can't help but believe it will all make sense the one day! Until then...I just went on another nesting spree! The house is completely organized and spotless - again (We are always very clean but our drawers are very lived in - especially the junk drawer :)
I would like to feel seasoned by now, as the emotional breakdowns have stopped. Don't get me wrong...I still breakdown and so does Phil but it is different now. It is an understanding. How much longer could it be? Well - I could bet not another 3 years and that feels good! I truly thought we would be have been on our second adoption by now but that was not our plan. Sadly, I have other friends who will be adopting and the wait we have endured has somehow discouraged them.
Hopefully our story, although long in waiting will inspire them with our eventual happiness.
The other odd part of this, is I am going to miss our social worker, agency and being in waiting! How crazy is that feeling but I am MORE excited to be done with it! Here is to the hopes of the next month!