Last night, I was laying awake at 3am when I caught myself in this day dream state where I was yet again imagining the all anxious yet exciting "phone call"! It was then when I realized how awful these day dream situations are for my overall health. These are my weak moments where I get to control the vision of our adoption actually happening.
Let's back up a bit...I really get my inspiration for writing in the wee hours in the morning when the world is asleep and all I could hear is my ceiling fan going "whoosh whoosh" and in those moments I get lost in the sound, it is then that my brain relaxes. I had this amazing thought about what to write for this blog, I could have written it all in that moment had I just wanted to crawl out of my super warm bed and battle through the cold air to turn on my bright monitor. Okay, a bit dramatic but my husband had just put our blanket in the dryer just to make it all cozy for us - he is a keeper, I tell you!! So instead, I kept telling myself "write this word down as a reminder" then...zzz. I surrendered to sleep!
Fast forwarding to the next morning (today), I just cannot remember it! Either way, I was inspired by an audio book that I was listening to. The chapter title "Surrender, surrender, surrender." Now, this idea is not new for us as I had mentioned in previous entries but it was a nice reminder that we need to get back to that.
Here is an excerpt from the book:
"When you believe that everything you desire, already exists, you are in a natural state of surrendering.
Surrendering is the free falling backwards into the unknown and trusting that the universe/God will catch you and this can't be done from a place of lack of a place of mistrust.
You have to give it all you've got and totally let it go, fall back, have faith, be grateful and wait...and while you are at it, love yourself"
I must have listened to that chapter 1000 times by now, just as a kind reminder that we are not the only ones who are struggling. *surrender surrender surrender*
Now, back to those day dreams. I sometimes question myself "Self, what benefit does dreaming do for you?" and well, I never answer ;) and for good reasons! I know that the truth is, nothing positive comes from it.
Through the years, we have always pointed out "Next Autumn, we will bring our child to the pumpkin patch! , This time next year, we will be on vacation, Oh! Just think, family costumes for next Halloween!, OH! I cannot wait until next year when we finally get to celebrate Mother/Father's day instead of the whole pity "Happy Mothers Day because you are expecting...three years in a row!, or the big mistake I made last year when I purchased beautiful stockings to hang on the fireplace mantel for the family. Now, we have to sadly face the reality of our false expectations as we close the lid on the Christmas container, leaving behind the adorned silver stocking which read "Baby" on top. That will be tough and I am not looking forward to it as we were "so sure" that this would be the year! *surrender surrender surrender*
Must push forward...Next month as we "welcome" in the 37th month, it will also be our birthday! As we blow out those candles, yet again - we can only hope and pray that our wishes come true. For those starting on this journey or still waiting - you will be included in those wishes!