Every single month used to pass slower than molasses on ice! We would barely get through each day as we watched the clock in our office tick. "Just another day, no call" we would say to one another as we cuddled each other and our dog at night. I would turn towards my husband who had fallen fast asleep and I stared at the ceiling fan slowly spinning, then glanced at the cross as my heart sunk, my eyes pleading "Why....When..." and that was every single night. I would force myself to close my eyes and dream of what our child would look like. "Maybe he will have brown hair, maybe she will have blue eyes" then it quickly became "Maybe they will be a teacher, I was or maybe they will be the next president". All the thoughts and wonders and before you knew it, the sun was peeking through the curtains. That is when my brain finally rested, knowing I had to get up shortly.
Those nights went on forever but during the time we were awake and between work hours, it was a lot of idle time. "Get a hobby, join a group, go on trips, read some books" All solid advice from our social workers and family and friends but we knew better. We knew that we needed to save every single dollar we could (we don't regret doing so) and we knew that our heart was in nothing but the adoption happening. Instead, we spent our nights, updating our parent finder , re-evaluating our profile key, listening to podcasts on all the "what to expects", reading books and magazines on adoption, talking about the adoption and spending time at our friends house who had several children. You see, those days were so long that we really needed our rest at night but that never happened...that is until now.
Yes yes, before I tell you about our miracle, I understand we are lucky. We agree 10000%. For the past month, our daughter has been sleeping 8 hours straight at night! You know who else sleeps those 8 hours, us! We swaddle her up and place her in the bassinet which is in arms length and I look over and my daughter is staring at the same ceiling fan as she drifts off to bed and I quiiiiiiickly follow. Peace, at last!
So now, as I write this, my daughter sits on my lap with her "Mommy's Little Girl" onesie - supported of course! She is almost at the age she is sitting on her own, she has moved onto the start of cereals, rice and oatmeal - although I am sure she will love fruity pebbles one day ;) !
So as I sit here with such an appreciation for a woman I never met and God of course, I can't help but think how lucky I am, as the days fly by and boy do they fly! Although the birth mother does not want contact and we understand and respect that, we still want to show our appreciation every time we write. I get asked many times by those outside the adoption world "Why do you even write if she does not pick the letters up?" and being honest, sometimes I wonder but then I look at our daughter and know that one day maybe she will want to know how she is doing. Maybe in that one moment, she is wondering how she is and she will have months and then years of letters at her fingertips. That's important and if the roles were reversed, I surely would have wanted them too and I want our daughter to read them as well.
I know as she grows, she will have questions and we need to do right by her too. This isn't just the birth parents and us, this is about our daughter too. Now, as I look over she is sucking her thumb as she sleeps *melts* and I am just so in love, with our daughter and with our life. Yessssssss....the wait was worth it. Sometimes I say "what wait" because it truly does not feel as if there was one - ever. Then again, I do have moments where I am upset that it took this long because those are years we wish we had with her! Now we look forward to the future and instead of the "whys and whens", it is "Thank yous and I am so sorry I was impatient". I sometimes laugh and imagine God smacking His head as I prayed and cried out to Him. He was just there shaking His head, going SOOOOON (now shush)!!! It all made sense in the end and there is no way to look at our situation and not see his plan, every detail of the adoption was crafted with such a delicacy, just for us and for our daughter. God is good.