This summer, we tried our best to deal with the wait to the best of our abilities. We in some off way, stopped talking about it with friends and family and ourselves. Pushing down that constant feeling of "When?" and "Why?". I did really well and was very proud of myself and of Phil actually! We 'pretended' to not even be in waiting - as if it we decided against adoption.
Let me take you back to where all of this started:
The month where we had to sign the contract again for our agency or rip it to tiny shreds. When it arrived, we both sat there and processed this moment with the contract in front of us. We opened it and just stared at one another for a long time! Finally, I broke the silence with "...are we going to do this again?" referring to sign for another year. Something we had already felt indecisive about and honestly thought we would have been chosen before then.
We sat there, debating the pros and cons. Should we just give up? Just go the biological route? Call an adoption lawyer and do it ourselves? Adopt from the foster system? Go to another agency? Decide to do nothing at all? Could we live without children? I don't even need to ask - we both know we are meant to be parents and if we had any thoughts we were not, we would have given up a long time ago!
After an hour of a deep discussion about it, we chose to stop the adoption. Not out of not wanting or longing - but our of sheer exhaustion! It is in those moments that you are defined as you struggle to stand again. For me, it was looking over at my husband who lifted his arm and pointed to his adoption bracelet with tears in his eyes. The bracelet that he wears every single day, since the day we started this journey has been a symbol of what we were called to do. We hugged and clung tightly to one another for a while before turning to sign the contract.
I am not going to lie to you or anyone, there are still moments when we wonder if we did the right thing. Nothing seems to be happening for us. Which leads us to this:
Agencies, Lawyers, Foster System....Adoption: Overall, we have been questioned several times, "Why did you choose this agency?, Why didn't you go through a lawyer? Why don't you change agencies? etc..." To be honest, I wish there was a simple answer for this! When we researched, something about our agency caught our eye. The conversations on the phone felt warm and welcoming and I didn't *feel* they were all about business. We felt an odd connection so we chose them. We were given a social worker who we really did her best to guide the two of us who were deer in headlights. Over the years, we have realized, certain things should have been adjusted within our profile and key and feel a bit misled from the start. Would that have changed how long we are waiting? There will never be a way to tell!
When we went for our educational training in 2014, we both had a very intense feeling come over us as we sat and listened to the speeches. We both know it was as religious experience, especially if the both of us felt it individually! It was the moment of "You are in the exact place you should be in this moment". With how we felt, there was no way in denying that God didn't have his stamp of approval on this, on us and on our agency!
Then reality hit us this January - "This could be the year!" We felt positive, we felt alive, we felt hopeful. We spoke with our social worker who probably is tired of hearing all our downs but at this time we were up! We felt we were actually going to miss the process of waiting (we were obviously crazy!) , miss working with our social worker etc. We were that positive! Fast forward 9 months and we are completed deflated again. This up and down cycle is exhausting!!
The most surprising component of the process is how alone we are. I don't put any responsibility on anyone in particular but we are in a location that does not have support groups, agencies and meetups. We hear from our agency if we request a call or we see our monthly forwarded e-mail with situations we were not chosen for. We at this point are currently one of the longest waiting families. Not the best feeling and after reading the statistics of domestic adoptions - only 3% wait over 3 years. We are 2 months away from that 3 year mark. Not looking forward to it!
Currently, we are finishing up our 3 year home study update. It required a bit more work than years past I believe and more money than the past! We had just found out our home study social worker who we adored, had moved. That was in some way heartbreaking for us as we looked forward to the familiarity of her wisdom, kind words and support each year. We always envisioned welcoming her into our home when we had the baby and the conversation of "finally!" could happen. Now we hesitantly await the assignment of our new consultant and hope we have a good connection as well!
God: Perhaps the biggest conflicts we are having is with our Faith. We feel either we misunderstood the calling or we are not being chosen because it is time to move on. So, how could we have misunderstood the calling? Especially with the feeling we both experienced? No one could tell us that was not real or didn't mean something. We felt prepared for this by God. Two complete strangers from different parts of the world, fall in love with a passion, go through the ups and downs of the immigration system, struggle just to be together, struggle financially as we drained our bank accounts to make this work. Now here - worked for 10 years to build a nest egg for our family and have the calling to adopt. We didn't even flinch because we completely and wholeheartedly understand how love works and transcends all obstacles. We are over ready to be chosen. While we have our doubts, pray for us because we feel unheard, forgotten about and alone.
Until then...we are a family of three (not including all of our family and friends and strangers) in waiting...
(Me, Phil and our Pup Kaylee!)