We are waiting for a complete stranger to give us the best gift of our lives. Just that thought is humbling and extremely scary! Right this moment, they are somewhere out there within a couple hours or miles from where we live.!
-Maybe they are pregnant right this moment and unsure of what their next step will be. Yet, the plan is already planned for us to be chosen.
-Maybe they have not even conceived yet or thought of adoption.
-Maybe under the same stars, we are praying for the same guidance.
-Maybe they will choose us tomorrow!
Whoever they are...I am praying for them. For in a split moment, they will go from strangers, to the most selfless, caring, loving, extended family member to us.
It is a lot to handle when thinking about that but it does not scare us, it makes us excited!! Phil and I have the same thoughts on this...we KNOW this is our story and we know we have very little control in this but we choose it and would already do it over again!
#1 - What if we are not chosen! This thought is common in the adoption world but for us, it is every day that we have to deal with this.
2- Why isn't this happening? Why would God choose us to adopt but then leave us here...waiting.
3 - Every day is also a struggle as we look inward on ourselves...are our pictures bad? Are we not being chosen because Phil is tall or I am too short? Is it because we live in New York...have a dog, they hate my green eyes or do not want someone of our religion? Are we not good enough?
This is one of the hardest struggles because you feel judged solely on our profile. They haven't had a second to really get to know US for who we are. They probably do not know that we each wrote a 15 page autobiography to the adoption agency when the suggested maximum was 5 pages! They do not know we were told cut our profile wording in half! We have a lot to give, a lot to say and the tiniest space to fit it all.
4-Fighting the what if's constantly! This is something we have been strict on...we will not let the negativity and worries hit us YET! We are scared, don't get me wrong about the possibilities even after we are chosen but that baby deserves two loving, attentive and unafraid parents as possible.
5- Money...will we empty our account solely on waiting so long? The constant updates of our home study is draining to say the least. Adoption is not only emotionally draining but financially!
A woman at Buy Buy Baby, came up to me while I was shopping and said "You are having a baby girl". I looked at her with an odd smile and said "Oh thank you but I am not pregnant". She said "I know...but still, a girl" So...we shall see ;)
Best Advice
Well truly..anything that gets us past the next moment. Whether is be a feeling or a dream or a prayer. The best advice we have gotten all has to do with God's timing. I feel terrible to say that I am impatient and that this has been hard...so very hard. Harder than I could have ever expected and that is going to be okay. Adoption will be hard...for us, forever...but worth it, in every way. I know this because of the way we met...the distance...the finances...the insecurities and judgements from other people. The unknowns...all mixed in between...but in the end, we knew being together was the goal. We loved each other so much that we were able to get through - holding on even when the rope was as thin as a thread. We have been doing that again and will until that magical day happens...the day when the two of us who fought so hard to be together - see the start of a new journey with our baby. Soon! Send us some strength, extra love and support :) We need it!