We decided after all this time, we need to go into self-preservation mode and do our best to not think about the adoption as happening. We of course are going to long for it, pray for it and wish for it but all the blogs, the support etc..are wonderfully a reminder of what is not for us right now. So we will be back when we feel we are in a better state of coping! Love to all!
That number is pretty big and even scarier as it adds up!
Last month was 3 years ago...since we chose and signed with our agency! This month is 30 months ago...we were officially put into the books! I sincerely feel empty, a huge loss of words and yet an even greater sense of the patience I do not have! We started this year off with confidence and hopefulness and just could not wait to see what this year was going to bring us! It has sadly brought us more of the same. Waiting. More Waiting. Waiting. Last week, I wanted to pull the plug on this when our contract ended. This week, I want to hold on to the fact that we KNOW this is our path. Ask me next week and I probably will feel a completely different way. Our emotions are not supposed to be this up and down! This was not part of the contract! However, we were warned by the agency that this would be long and hard and it has been 100000000000 times longer and harder than probably they expected. Why haven't we been chosen? It is the question we ask ourselves over and over again. Are we not cute enough? Did they not feel the love we have for one another through our profile? Did something we wrote come off bad? Am I too short, is he too tall, is it because we are from New York or have the most adorable pup ever? What is it? Will we be chosen or will it be a situation that the agency chooses us? Will that feel less special to us? .... we have no answers to any of these questions. We only have someone pushing us to get past each day, as we ache into the core of our soul just to love someone else. Adoption is torture. Eep! Did I just say that? In many ways, it is - All the way around the triad. Why would someone choose to even to adopt, knowing all of this suffering they will have to endure? Adoption is love. The purest kind of love, the gut wrenching, non-stopping, completely vulnerable and raw. All the way around the triad...is this kind of love. Why wouldn't everyone want to be part of this? To be honest, as confusing as that all sounded to you reading it - it made perfect sense to me. We are scared, we have surrendered to all of this, we have been stripped of all our emotions as nothing we feel will even matter in this. No crying will make this go faster, no anger fit will make us a parent (good thing we aren't angry people!), No loving words, no happy thoughts and with all the love we have - THAT in itself has not made this go faster. Not even all of the wonderful people who have wished us well thoughts has changed the speed of this. While it didn't change the speed, it changed us. We have learned to made it through the tough moments, when I just wanted to kick and scream at what seems like a never ending process, my husband has just held me instead. I have been the person to listen to him when he gets his moments of feeling completely hopeless. He has been there as I cried in the car after meeting someone in the store for the 4th time in 3 years and says "Stillllllllllllllllll no baby?". I have been there the countless times he has assembled every single piece of furniture for the nursery. He has been there when I just had to go into the baby section of every store, just to add "one more" item for the baby, understanding completely why I needed it to keep my hope churning! I have been there, as he has nested, hoping his good feelings were going to lead to a match - only to be disappointed. He has been there for me, as I write every month and break down shortly after. Blogging has been one of the hardest things for me. As cathartic as it is, it's truly a double edged sword. It is a moment where I have to dive deep into myself and allow my heart to write these words to you - only to leave the wound open for a few days after. Let alone, looking for the next months number for the blog! I will leave it here again, that it is with hope - soon will be our time! <3 3 years since we signed....3 years since we started this blog! The number is hard to swallow and even harder to write about! More next month - sorry!
Well hello again! It is all too familiar to title this yet another month...but here we are. To lift up the mood a bit, I decided to do a nursery tour! I have had many people ask me about the significance of some of the items in the nursery. So here is your detailed tour! *Does a Vannah White* Let me start with the focal point of most of my questions I receive! This is one of my favorite photos for the fact you can get the idea of all the themes we have. Giraffes, Elephants, Chevron Stripes and gray and white colors - everywhere! Most do not know, under each of those leaves is a special message to our future child. Everyone who has been in our nursery or donated in a fundraiser (including secondlife and gaming for adopt), has received a special spot on the wall. It is very difficult to write with a pencil but here are the two grandmother's leaves! Next, let's take a look at the walls! We love the organic feeling of wood painted prints - especially with these sayings on them! Phil and I always fight with each other on who loves who most but this is a no brainer when it comes to the baby! We love them more already than they can love us! Next is a frame that my mom bought for us at Christmas 2014, after we had been in the books for a while! We are anxiously awaiting the match to fill in with a photo and hand print!! Okay enough of the emotional words...I am trying my best to keep composed here! ;) My mother also found this hand painted little toy box bench, which we love so much and of course it matches with our pillow and even our diaper pail! Ahh, let's take a rest right here in the SUPER comfortable rocking chair! On the arm of the chair, is a very special blanket, knitted just for us by our friend Brie!!! Keeping with the comfort theme, across the room is a rocker just for the baby and a teddy bear that my brother had been saving for the baby! At least the bear looks comfy! Next is our giraffe decal! I have always loved giraffes and figured it would be a nice touch to add these as something special to the baby's room! Now to the dresser shelves! As you can see between the bookends, is goodnight moon (my favorite childhood book) and Fox in Socks (Phil's favorite book)! This little guy practically called our name in Babies R Us! We had been talking about buying the baby's first stuffed animal as the first thing we purchase for the nursery and ... he caught both of our eyes as we were checking out! He has no name yet besides bear but hopefully one day, he will be loved!! This book below was sent from our very special friends in Arizona, Chase, Lola & Jesie! We have known them a very long time and love them all! This book was a perfect read of how adoption works and how much love is a part of it! Both elephant and Princess and the Frog/Frog are from our mothers! (Above) My Family, My Journey Adoption book is amazing!!!!!! It really allows for the entire adoption story to be written!! (Below) Well we come the last photo and most important one! Our religion is very important to us and this cross was purchased from the mission that visited our Church. Below that is two pins...the gold one of Mary and Jesus was pinned on my shirt as a Mass for expectant mothers. They asked all the expectant mothers to turn around and tell the congregation about their due date. We had the pleasure of saying we were adoption. Then everyone prayed over us. Sadly, I avoided this years Mass because I thought it would be uncomfortable doing that again and again. Lastly, is a pin of St Gerard, patron Saint of expectant mothers, which was given to us by my uncle! Hopefully, you enjoyed this photo tour - we have actually added more since I did these photos earlier this month but that is for another blog!
We have an adoption t-shirt fundraiser coming up this month, so look for that :D (We are part of a group that raises funds for us and asks us to try as well. So far we are at a hundred and nineteen dollars)! Thanks for all the support and love. See you next month - hopefully with a match by then!! Happy 2017 everyone!!
At the end of the year, I had these moments where everything in the house was quiet, lighting dimmed as the Christmas tree twinkled brightly in the background. I laid on our window seat and starred at the starry sky. I couldn't quite remember the "Star light...star bright" poem at that moment to wish on the star that caught my eye but instead as I looked past the bright star into the dark - I had this moment. This journey has truly felt like an entire year each month! So according to our count - 27 months - err, years we have been waiting! Possibly that is the truth because we both always wanted to be parents! I truly look back on some of my blogs and some of my scribbles I write down each month/day, to just check into what I was feeling last year on this exact day - so I will let you in on my personal scribble board! January 2016 - "Note to self: Take the time to fill my soul with love, so once we meet our child, we can be so overloaded with love to share" January 2015 - "We weren't chosen today, while it is sad for us - we cannot dwell in it as it was not meant to be for us.... the baby will have an amazing family. It is bittersweet but one step closer to our match" January 2014 - "Today was rough, I was emotional and over tired but so thankful to look to my right and see my loving husband. While I am nervous as we await becoming officially "in waiting" but I believe I will feel better once we are there. I can handle it" What a journey it has been..and as I look back, I realize that...we are so overloaded with love, it could happen soon :D ...and we were not chosen today, yet..and I am still emotional and over tired and thankful and lastly, I have not been able to handle it! I often try to explain the feeling of waiting to everyone. I finally found the best way that most can understand "We are waiting to win the lottery, we have the right numbers and know eventually it will come out...it can happen any day - how would you take waiting for that?" and often it is met with "OH!! YES!!, I don't know how you do it", or "soon!". Can I lovingly shake everyone who has told us soon? See the thing is...everyone has been saying this for 3 years now and it hasn't been soon lol. It has been complete emotional torture every single day, while hanging onto a thread of hope - hoping it won't break in one of our breakdowns or disappointments. I have that thread and we are both hanging onto it for life until we meet our child. Now...this is where I become a hypocrite - "Jill & Phil, it is going to be soon!" ;) Well..I tell myself that every single day but it has to be! We are one of the longest waiting families..and while there is no known reason as to why...I can't help but believe it will all make sense the one day! Until then...I just went on another nesting spree! The house is completely organized and spotless - again (We are always very clean but our drawers are very lived in - especially the junk drawer :) I would like to feel seasoned by now, as the emotional breakdowns have stopped. Don't get me wrong...I still breakdown and so does Phil but it is different now. It is an understanding. How much longer could it be? Well - I could bet not another 3 years and that feels good! I truly thought we would be have been on our second adoption by now but that was not our plan. Sadly, I have other friends who will be adopting and the wait we have endured has somehow discouraged them. Hopefully our story, although long in waiting will inspire them with our eventual happiness. The other odd part of this, is I am going to miss our social worker, agency and being in waiting! How crazy is that feeling but I am MORE excited to be done with it! Here is to the hopes of the next month! Merry Christmas!
To be honest...I can honestly tell you I have been feeling so peaceful for over a month now. Something clicked in me - maybe finally my prayers for peace have come through! Maybe this is just the feeling of peace before our match and if that is the case then YAY! We had a great ending to October - with Halloween! Here is just a preview of our costumes! Happy National Adoption Month! As always, our November posts are usually short and sweet!
We had an amazing party with our family and friends! We are looking forward to better days! Happy two years in waiting! Sadly, there will be no balloons or parties for this adoption anniversary. However, I decided to do something different for a change! This will be our look back...the good, the bad, the ugly and all the in-between. Thoughts: The random, exciting, GOOD moments we have had and thought about! We are waiting for a complete stranger to give us the best gift of our lives. Just that thought is humbling and extremely scary! Right this moment, they are somewhere out there within a couple hours or miles from where we live.! -Maybe they are pregnant right this moment and unsure of what their next step will be. Yet, the plan is already planned for us to be chosen. -Maybe they have not even conceived yet or thought of adoption. -Maybe under the same stars, we are praying for the same guidance. -Maybe they will choose us tomorrow! Whoever they are...I am praying for them. For in a split moment, they will go from strangers, to the most selfless, caring, loving, extended family member to us. It is a lot to handle when thinking about that but it does not scare us, it makes us excited!! Phil and I have the same thoughts on this...we KNOW this is our story and we know we have very little control in this but we choose it and would already do it over again! Thoughts: The random, scary, BAD moments we have had and thought about! #1 - What if we are not chosen! This thought is common in the adoption world but for us, it is every day that we have to deal with this. 2- Why isn't this happening? Why would God choose us to adopt but then leave us here...waiting. 3 - Every day is also a struggle as we look inward on ourselves...are our pictures bad? Are we not being chosen because Phil is tall or I am too short? Is it because we live in New York...have a dog, they hate my green eyes or do not want someone of our religion? Are we not good enough? This is one of the hardest struggles because you feel judged solely on our profile. They haven't had a second to really get to know US for who we are. They probably do not know that we each wrote a 15 page autobiography to the adoption agency when the suggested maximum was 5 pages! They do not know we were told cut our profile wording in half! We have a lot to give, a lot to say and the tiniest space to fit it all. 4-Fighting the what if's constantly! This is something we have been strict on...we will not let the negativity and worries hit us YET! We are scared, don't get me wrong about the possibilities even after we are chosen but that baby deserves two loving, attentive and unafraid parents as possible. 5- Money...will we empty our account solely on waiting so long? The constant updates of our home study is draining to say the least. Adoption is not only emotionally draining but financially! A fun moment on our adoption journey!
A woman at Buy Buy Baby, came up to me while I was shopping and said "You are having a baby girl". I looked at her with an odd smile and said "Oh thank you but I am not pregnant". She said "I know...but still, a girl" So...we shall see ;) Best Advice Well truly..anything that gets us past the next moment. Whether is be a feeling or a dream or a prayer. The best advice we have gotten all has to do with God's timing. I feel terrible to say that I am impatient and that this has been hard...so very hard. Harder than I could have ever expected and that is going to be okay. Adoption will be hard...for us, forever...but worth it, in every way. I know this because of the way we met...the distance...the finances...the insecurities and judgements from other people. The unknowns...all mixed in between...but in the end, we knew being together was the goal. We loved each other so much that we were able to get through - holding on even when the rope was as thin as a thread. We have been doing that again and will until that magical day happens...the day when the two of us who fought so hard to be together - see the start of a new journey with our baby. Soon! Send us some strength, extra love and support :) We need it! Hello again and welcome to our 23rd month blog! The number is becoming increasingly hard to look at but we are here and in the full swing of things again! Phil and I had been talking about what we want this blog to look like and well, it often feels more of the same. So let me just get this part over with - waiting is terrible! Our social worker for our home study said it best when she said "Waiting is emotional torture"! With that, we have been choosing to do our best to combat those feelings and boy oh boy, it is tough! Today while I was out, I just could smell the start of Autumn around the corner! It is the time when everything is about to change yet again. The leaves will start to adorn the trees with beautiful and cheerful colors, before falling. The cool weather will quickly blow in and it will be time for long sleeves, long walks, warming my cold hands on Phil's warm stomach *muhahaha* ;) and preparation for all the holidays! The thorn in this season will happen next month as we count down to 2 years in waiting. That is surely a number we never expected to see but then again, I feel like most who enter into adoption, they start hopeful. We did. We thought we were going to be matched early and possibly adopt again at some point! This journey has been a lot longer than we expected and as strong as we have been, we have been terribly weak. I feel as if we normally write about the negative side to all of this. There is a reason behind it really - it is real and it is us. So what are the positives of all of this journey? Well - we are trying to find some to cling to. Recently, we went to sit down with our Priest. We needed to ask him about his calling in life. We have found that many people cannot grasp the idea of being called to something. We are often met with innocent criticism from friends and strangers and at many times, I just want to give them a short answer so that we do not end up in a long conversation about "why we chose adoption". At times, if we just told them infertility - they would understand but we feel compelled to speak deeper into the truth. We were simply called to adoption. There is not some long reasoning other than being called to it by God. Well, the moment you bring up God - then that allows for either two responses "I completely understand" or "Oh, that's nice/sweet or [insert any passive cute term so they do not have to speak about religion]". Well, as you could imagine - this has caused some problems for us. I really think innocently, they want to understand but they can't so they try to put it in their own terms in their head. I know that does not make complete sense but I honestly could understand a bit...as if someone told me "I quit my six figure job and become a clown"...I would too nod my head and feel nothing is wrong with what they chose, but I probably could not fully understand it on their level. Getting back on track...we met with our Priest after Church and Phil and I discussed with him how lost we felt, how we didn't understand why we are having such a long wait, since we were called to adoption. We explained how we had trouble explaining the concept to being called. I knew of all people, he would understand - and he did. He explained how he went through adversity and questioning from even the closest of family and friends of why he didn't just become a [insert any job, he heard it all]. His presence itself was calming for us because in that moment - we knew we were not alone in this. He then asked us to look at this journey as a pilgrimage. "A pilgrimage is a journey or search of moral or spiritual significance. Typically, it is a journey to a location of importance to a person's beliefs and faith, although sometimes it can be a metaphorical journey into someone's own beliefs. Many religions attach spiritual importance to particular places...or to the place of their calling". So, it is with those few words that he said - which patched up this temporary hole in us. We have since used it many times when one of us have been really down and fort he most part, we are able to move past that moment and onto the next. Some days, there are no soothing words or actions that can help us get out of a tough moment and some days, there is just ray of light and hope for us in the storm. We are holding on to whatever hope we can find as we just keep moving forward in this pilgrimage! In the meantime, keep us in your thoughts and prayers!
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